Horribly insightful nightmare

Last night I had a horrific nightmare. Its intensity kept me up for an hour to just calm the emotions experienced. Its interesting how dreams can seem so real because you feel the emotions so complete and accurately had it really happened. I dreamt that we had been somehow captured by dark and sadistic people. They segregated Joby and I from our children. Though we were not in the same facility as our children we were somehow able to witness what was happening to them. They were taken to be tortured through cutting them, whipping them and other evil practices. It was so unbearable and I felt my heart break in my dream. I remember that I was very in tune with how pure and innocent my children were which made it even more difficult to handle the grusome acts of the people in my dream. After they were tortured, they would allow the my children to come back into my and jobys arms and our safety so we could try to overcome their pain with our love. I remember telling them that horrible people are going to take them just for a moment and hurt them but if they were brave and endured it they would come back to me and I would hold them and make everything alright.

As I awoke as I stated the intensity and feelings of this dream were so real and strong I couldn't go back to sleep. Strangely my mind turned to Heavenly Father and I was given a small insight as to what He felt and endured as his son was tortured and inflicted with incomprehensible pain.

I have wondered many times how Heavenly Father felt as he watched the Saviors agony, but this dream connected me emotionally to Him in such a way I will never be able to hear of the Saviors suffering without my heart also breaking for Heavenly father as well.

As my children were returned to me in the dream battered and bruised, I was overcome with love for them and wouldn't let them go. I could not contain my happiness I literally felt like my heart would burst.  This made me think of how wonderful the reunion of the Savior to his Heavenly Father must have been!!! My thoughts were that the thought of this reunion is the only thing that allowed Heavenly Father to endure his sons pain. Additionally I was impressed that this is how the Savior feels. He sees our pains, injustices and temptations placed upon us and reaches his arms out pleading for us to come unto him. His heart hurts like mine did for my children in my dream and he too wants us so badly to come into his arms and his safety so he can overcome our pain with his love. "His hand is stretched out still."(2 nephi 19:21) This was so very enlightening to me to  How painful it must be for the Savior to see us pained and we don't go to him for peace. I can't imagine if my children went through such difficult pain and wouldn't let me comfort them.

This dream made me realize on a different level why we go through many difficult challenges. If we stay close to Heavenly father and the Savior in the midst of our burdens our hearts will actually be turned to him. I think through challenges we connect our hearts to him and the Savior because there is a understanding of one another that is exchanged. They have experienced felt every difficulty we will ever go through, by connecting with them through these times we gain a deeper respect and love for one another.  I know when I have a difficult time with a certain personality, if I dig deeper and find out why they act a certain way and I am enlightened to challenges in their past, I understand them more and can look past their quirks. My heart goes out to them as I have a desire to love them as oppose to judge them. I think our souls connect through heartache and challenge.


This dream came appropriately during this Christmas season to remind me of where my heart and mind should be because its so easy to get off track since I love spending money and not only giving but receiving presents! Our Heavenly Father is so merciful and I am grateful he loved us enough to send his Son.

Suffer the little children

Today was one of those lovely enlightening days where I have been given small, but great insight to something I have pondered much throughout my life. My answer came in testimony meeting. Its interesting how you know how unified in thought and heart a ward is by what happens during testimony meeting. Our ward always seems to take on a unified theme in testimony bearing. Today the focus was children.  The example they are to us and how much the Savior loves them.

 Interestingly Elder Oaks conference talk was brought up 3 times and I have had Elder Oaks conference talk on my mind all week and have listened to it 3 or 4 times this week. It is a very emotionally difficult talk to read through as it touches on the rampant abuse of children all over the world. It has caused me to offer Heavenly Father the same prayer I have given so many times "How is HE and the Savior witness and knowledgeble to such great injustices towards His little children and able to deal with it." I wonder if they sometimes wish justice was immediate. I just picture them being in a constant state of sadness and emotional turmoil watching the evil acts placed upon the little children. I too bore testimony expressing these thoughts and how I know children are an heritage of the Lord and are ENTITLED to a nuclear family consisting of a mother and Father who honor each other. In the Proclamation to the Family it states "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity" Nowhere in any doctrine does it state that we are "entitled" to children. They are a gift and should be treated as such. 

I have  so many friends with a background in a abuse and it gives me such heartache. When contemplating their challenges "Much is give Much is required" has always ran through my head as I think of the "goodly parents" I was born to. 

After I sat down a woman stood up and enlightened me to why certain spirits go to abusive homes and Heavenly Fathers understanding and role in these situations. She said she did not want to share this testimony, but the prompting was to strong. She shared that she was abused as a child and teenager. (later she relayed to me it was sexual abuse) She said she of course went through years of extreme anger and resentment, but through staying close to Heavenly Father it was revealed to her that in the Spirit World we made certain promises and Heavenly Father made certain promises to us. Her promise was that she would accept being placed in an abusive family and Heavenly Father promised her in return that he would stand before her anytime she needed him and feel her with his love and strength and value so she could get through her challenges. I was thinking how amazing she was to be on that level to receive such amazing revelation and to accept it and hold fast to its truth. As she sat down I expressed my appreciation for her testimony and she went into further detail to me and stated my question of how Heavenly Father could witness such things led her to the pulpit. She said that in the height of her anger and abuse she prayed and said "I love you, but you will never understand what I went through because you are not a woman and have not experienced sexual abuse." The Lords answer to her made me cry uncontrollably in the middle of sacrament. (To me it sounds as if he took her away in a vision to explain how he does understand.) He said (me paraphrasing) "oh, but how I do understand. You think I wasn't sexually abused? I was forced to walk publicly naked in front of everyone and received abuse from everyone present. The only difference between yours and my challenge is yours was private. Mine was on display for all and made known to the whole world." I never thought of the Savior experiencing this type of abuse and it pained my heart. There are many other amazing details to her account, but I don't want to share as I have not had her permission as of yet.

Now I have a desire to fast and pray and find out exactly what promises I made to Heavenly Father so I to can live up to my potential. 

My heart goes out to all who have or are experiencing any kind of abuse. I find that many difficult people inside are just pain filled children that experienced much hurt in their childhood. I see cars all the time with babies and toddlers strapped in the back and the window rolled up and both parents smoking. I see mothers and fathers degrading and screaming at their little 1 and 2 year olds as they jerk them into the store and I feel so helpless. I want to take those children in my arms and express how much I love them. Its comforting to me to know that Heavenly Father is also aware of them and taking care of them in his own ways and I can at least pray for their welfare. 


 

Shes crafty!

I feel like I'm always jumping to a new creative outlet throughout my life that temporarily brings me fulfillment and then its onto the next venture. Sometimes I wish I could be more like my sister who can put so much dedication and focus into one thing until it becomes amazingly successful. I typically get bored halfway through and seek out something else. I love new things and experiences...apparently only until the newness wears off. Its been a blessing and a curse in my life. 
So onto my latest venture. Woodworking. Learning how to use jobys saws and power tools opened a whole new world for me in creativity and home improvement ideas. Additionally I can actually make the stuff I pin(pinterest) now.  The chop saw scared the crap out of me at first, but after a day getting familiar with it, its no longer intimidating. 
Until I get bored I make and sell dry/erase calendars and other beach and french inspired home decor. (Oh how I miss the beach )

They are on sale at Black Eyed Susans Boutique in Roosevelt, Bungalow boutique in Heber and will be in a couple boutiques in Salt Lake by the end of the month. I also just opened an Etsy Shop.
 I think creative outlets are so important as a mom. It keeps you energized and prevents you from getting bored with some of routines of being a housewife. Additionally my kids are by my side the whole time and are learning how to be creative as well. Be crafty. It's fun!

Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass...

It's about putting on your waterwings, so you don't drowned, and running in the rain. 

Yay! It finally rained! Disappointingly not enough or early enough to lift the temporary firework ban due to the crazy fires.( It was actually appropriate we couldn't celebrate our independence with fireworks considering we are no longer independent or free due to the recent passing of certain bills ) 

Oh to be a child again. Free from responsibility and stress. And to have the beautiful mind that says, "hey its raining outside! I'm going to put on my waterwings and run like its recess!" 

Then there's this guy. Super Von Von is apparently not so super in the crawling department. Almost nine months and STILL scooting his way through life. However, his deep staccato laugh makes up for it...

Sassy Sage

Jobys Grandma named Sage "Sassy" when she was just a month old. This has been her nickname ever since and is incredibly fitting.  You never know if she hot or cold. One minute shes screaming "No" or "mine"or having a dramatic meltdown or punching her doll in the face- the next minute shes getting you something to drink, finding your shoes or grabbing her blanket to snuggle with you and biting her dolls face(which strangely means shes happy).  

 Shes our perfect blend of salty and sweet with an adorably contagious smile and laugh. Shes pretty much the freaking cutest thing we have ever seen. Happy Birthday Sagie!

                                                     We had her party in the mountains, and because I am slowly losing my mind, I forgot to take pictures. However, as you can see from the pictures above she is like her Daddy. They both have a strong passion for cake! I'm pretty sure Joby is admiring the cupcake in the pic and not his adorable daughter.

Other adorable people worth mentioning:

Mothers day remembered

As most people, I received many wonderful "Happy Mothers Day" text on Mothers Day but an accidental response is what actually made my day and I will treasure forever.  On one of the mass happy mothers day text  a debbie downer on my friends list inadvertently responded to everyone instead of just the sender. This was her lovely reply:
"not really. Happy ones are for those who are married or single by choice. Sorry but thats how I feel, and thats how I felt last year too."

The question is do you think she felt that way the year before as well?

Either way should this have made Joby and I happy to read....Probably not but then again I'm a bad person so we were giddy with joy.  Sometimes I think my adolescence never left me...
If its any consolation I recall yelling at joby many years ago when I was in a not so bright place, "You could never live a day in my life!" And we make fun of that too.

Twins

So I have made reference to their similarities before and Joby still gets told he is reminiscent of him. Here is yet more proof confirming their twin-ness.

Some of the only differences are I don't listen to or agree with Glenn Beck, but I sometimes listen to and agree with Joby!

**Side note-I like these guys:

Beauty Distortion

Because of how ridiculously cute my little Sage is it causes other girls to want cuteness perfection. However, they are unsuccessfully trying to obtain an unrealistic polished image. The truth is the image they see of Sage is after she has had a shower where dried food or snot is removed, had a diaper change, eaten her frosted mini wheats, had a wardrobe change and her hair tamed by me. Below you will find the beauty evolution of Sage. The appearance transition is almost unrecognizable.

After photos are on top. Before photos which were taken when she first wakes up are on the bottom.

Little kid prayers are the best

Today Cru gave his first prayer by himself and it went like this:

Dear Heavenly father, Thank you for this day. Thank you for getting rid of all the monsters and tigers. Please bless that all the puppies will stay. Name of Jesus Christ amen.

Probably one of the best prayers I've ever heard.

Love him.

Hormones bring us to Jesus!

So I'm sure the title of this post sounds if not blasphemous then ridiculous, but I do have a theory. I say theory as much of my insight could just be radical chemical imbalances, caused by just recently giving birth to a child, as opposed to true inspiration.(which I'm sure is typically the case with me) Either way I give you something to think about.

I like most women do not like hormones. For 7-10 days out of every month I go from an optimist to a pessimist. I feel physically drained. I feel extremely burdened from every ailment. I experience sorrows and emotions that stem from absolutely nothing. I have extreme anger( I'm sure joby can elaborate on this) and no hope for anything. Hormones are simply obnoxious. I hate them. I think I notice them more now that I have family and can't just pamper myself all day. ( ie I notice them more now that I can't be selfish with my time) I have researched every possible solution to counteract their effects such as exercise, nutrition, vitamins, meditation, positive thinking, midol midol midol. I have yet to find a cure all and just have to try to get through this time without ruining someone's life.

You know how people find the most outlandish things to tie to the Gospel?(like Harry Potter? Yes that was a dig at you Kristen..hehe)

Well here is where I tie hormones to Jesus...

I was reading in Isaiah 53, which makes me cry (even when I am not hormonal) and for some reason I was pondering this plight women have to bare each month. Isaiah 53 has been called the "song of the suffering servant" (kindof sounds like it could be talking about a womans struggle with PMS. hah)

It is actually one of the greatest prophesies of the Messiah written in the Old Testament. It talks about Christs suffering and triumph. As I read about how he was "despised and rejected" esteemed as stricken(viewed with the same disdain of a leper) And how he was a "man of sorrows aquainted with grief" not only because he carried the burden of our sins on his shoulders, but because he knew the fate of those who opposed him and it cause him great emotional pain, I thought of how I acted while experiencing the emotional turmoil hormones cause.

He had the greatest spiritual/physical burdens placed on him daily and yet he still got up each day and lived it to the fullest. He didn't release anger on others for his burden. He acted. He didn't let his burden slow down his mission. He continued to act as a God. I think sometimes I still see the Savior as I did as a child. As some kind of super hero that was above the emotions of the world. I forget sometimes that he felt sorrow as we do. He felt betrayal, ridicule, unacceptance, and pain as we do. I am so touched by his ministry everytime I consider the love he gave though he was treated so poorly. Even the small number that stood by him in his earthy life ended up rejecting him.

I began to see this physical/emotional burden women have to endure every month as a small taste of what Christ felt everyday of his ministry.

How could he accomplish so much, with so much against him? How did he accomplish so much carrying so much pain and sorrow?

I have never seen a purpose for hormones which is why I hate them. However, I realized these brief hicupps in our emotions are a time we can become more like the Savior. Its easy to serve others and extend love when we feel good, but how much better will we be if we can do this even when we don't. To be happy, productive loving, longsuffering and in service to others while hormonal...to me this is what it means to truely triumph in life.(hah) Attaching a purpose to hormones such as spiritual growth and changing focus to the Savior and his example of what he did amist pain, sorrow and rejection might be the best remedy to that monthly misery.

Chaos spelled backward says family

This is some of the footage of my and Jobys first week as parents of 3 under the age of 3.
Chaos ensued as I was still healing from ripping completely, yet again (which is illustrated in my hobbled walk/jog in the video) and couldn't do much while Joby was working. So you will see a messy house, unclothed or half clothed children, food fights with anything Cru and Sage could reach on the bottom shelf of our pantry, Clean Laundry thrown down the stairs for laughs, a batman killing cowboy and excitement for a new little brother to come to our family.



I will admit I was scared out of my mind for 3, but....its not so bad once you get a routine down. However, this statement may change once Von is walking and I have three children scaling my Fridge and pantry shelves, throwing miscellaneous items in the toilet and trying to escape down the street to the neighbors.